May God Forgive Me

 

When I was younger I thought nothing I did could really matter, so I did whatever I wanted and knew I could get away with it.

Wow does that even make sense? I was a dumb kid.

But I didn’t know what consequences were.  You can’t really blame a kid for trying to find out what the limits of their world are.

As I got older, the consequences came more frequently.  I felt like I was punished for things I did, things I thought and things I never thought and never did! So literally, everything.

(I’m so nervous writing this, my stomach is knotty and my hands are sweaty.)

I was so afraid that people would find out what I was up to, even when I wasn’t.  I was in a constant state of paranoia and fear.

 

Finally I let go.  I developed a moral code and tried to live by it.  I released the idea that I was a victim of the universe and that life was waiting for the shoe to drop.

Maybe love really does exist.  Maybe humans can be compassionate.  Maybe I can be useful, and loving and authentic.

Has god forgiven me?