When I was younger I thought nothing I did could really matter, so I did whatever I wanted and knew I could get away with it.
Wow does that even make sense? I was a dumb kid.
But I didn’t know what consequences were. You can’t really blame a kid for trying to find out what the limits of their world are.
As I got older, the consequences came more frequently. I felt like I was punished for things I did, things I thought and things I never thought and never did! So literally, everything.
(I’m so nervous writing this, my stomach is knotty and my hands are sweaty.)
I was so afraid that people would find out what I was up to, even when I wasn’t. I was in a constant state of paranoia and fear.
Finally I let go. I developed a moral code and tried to live by it. I released the idea that I was a victim of the universe and that life was waiting for the shoe to drop.
Maybe love really does exist. Maybe humans can be compassionate. Maybe I can be useful, and loving and authentic.
Has god forgiven me?
CELLOPHANE 